Our detective, ever the cagey one, had managed to pull one on Crank and Yank, the Michigan Wolverine brothers. With his close ally, Albee, he had sought refuge in a bottle of scotch, the type that is chugged with relish on a cold Colorado fall night, as the first snows fall. What he hadn't counted on was it not being over, by a long shot.
She had sought his help, and was rebuked, rebuffed, and generally treated shabbily; he had accused her of being a hop head (she was) and being overly indulgent with Coors beer logoed products...that she kept a coors logo bottle opener on her keychain did not reveal her love for the master drink in her life, a tall cool bottle of muscatel, followed by a cold latte mocha...he had seen her slam these drinks one after another the night he evaded certain death at the hands of the Wolverine Brothers.
She sought him out the next morning, banging on the door to his filthy office until the door came open. She slowly entered, and spied him laying on the floor, like a newlt discovered corpse, his hair unkempt and moist, his hand clutching a empty scotch glass. By all appearances, he had releieved himself, his trousers stained, wet and smelled. She set her small dog down, and Enigma sniffed at him, and then licked the small swatch of vomit from his lips, causing his lifeless corpse to slowly arise. He opend a single bloodshot eye, and blurted out " How the F&*$ did you get in here?" followed by "ALBEEEEEEEEEEE" . A smallish badger appeared from under the desk, spied the intruders, and vanished.
"The professor is missing, and i think the formula is in danger" she opined. "OH, really". His cynical sarcasm was alive before the rest of him. She motioned with her index finger that he should check himself out, and catching the clue, he felt his trusers, got up, combed his hair with his hands, smiled a sheepish grin, "at least I'd didn't shit myself" he cheerfully exclaimed "I wouldn't know, you smell like you did" she replied.
Once he had managed to locate some clean clothes, he disappeared into his washroom, and reappeared wearing identical, but slightly less wrinkled clothes and his familair aviators cap, the type dopes wear that couldn't get into the Air Corps, although she knew he had. "So, you know where the formula is?" he asked. She smiled coyly, flipping her bangs with her hand, and simply mouthed the word "Yes". His only thought was why in the whole world had this ditzy dame dropped into his world, quickly followed with the appreciation he had not only for her comely shape, swedish-scotch good looks, but the fact that she was as loose with her cash as he imaged her to be in bed.
After some small talk, she persuaded him to drive her to the location she said was where the professor had hidden the formula. As they left town, and rounded a bend, she pointed to the road leading to the abandon mine. He wheeled his delapitated vehicle down the road, its out of alignment steering fighting him as he sought to dodge the ruts, potholes and ridges years of neglect has left in the roadway. When the were a hundred yards from the mine, she touched his arm, "Stop here please".
"M'eudail air do shùilean donna" she muttered. "Thats what the professor told me was the reason he trusted me" she said..."but my eyes are blue, so i have no idea why he said that, unless.." His trap of a brain picked up her line of thought, "Unless it was really a clue, something he thought you should remember, right?"
She looked at him for a moment, " are all detectives as stupid as you, or is this an act?"
"Act, why no I really...I mean Albee said"
"And who listens to a badger, anyway?" He suddenly felt uneasy as she slipped her hand into her purse, and pulled out a Smith & Wesson M&P. Not some wimpy peeshooter, this broad was suddenly worrying him, maybe he had been right, she is looney, crazier than Porky Pig on a bender. "Get out of the car" she motion with the gun. He staring at the business end, it looked much more persuasive than he had remembered from his Air Corps days. " Now what?"
"I don't want to hurt you, but Yank and Crank were friends of mine too" Tears were running down her cheek. "I don't have that many, and even if they were jerks, they were good to me" Realizing the situation was slipping into foul territory, he slowly began walking away from her, then running when he thought she might miss. Shots rang out, and as he suspected the M&P was too much for her, as slugs whizzed around him, into the dirt or overhead. Her turned to face her, and was shocked to see her one handing the pistol, a smile on her face, "OH, did I forget to tell you...I am the ladies champion at the Bay Area Gun Club" It was clear to him now he was not fulfilling his career wishes as a detective. Like a B movie, he saw the slug heading toward him before he heard the gun.
He awoke in the Alamogosa Hospital, she sitting next to him. She smiled, as he recoiled away from her..."I saved you, dope...the professor had a team onto me, and i had to make it look like you were done, so you can help me, get it?"
"Who are you woman???" he demanded to know.
"In due time, in due time, now sleep baby, sleep." She slowly began singing in a very quiet tone, barely audible
B' fhèarr leam fhìn na'n daoimean, Gur e nochd anoidhche
(I wish more than diamonds that tonight were the night)
Fade............(cue announcer)
" Will he find out what the hell is going on?? Is she really a double agent??? Stay tuned for the next episode of Cute California Hippie Girl and Enigma .....
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