Coming to Grip with Aging

Today, like most days, i spent an inordinate amount of time getting ready for work.

This has become routine, and as I brush my teeth, I gaze at this person I have become accustom to seeing everyday. Its me, sans makeup. Some days I pile it on, while other days I don't. Today was in between in terms of facial augmentation

I drive to the coffee place on the way to work that has a drive thru, and get my coffee from a usually cheerful 20 something, with that sweet singsong voice my memory says was mine once. As I reach out to get the cup of steaming hot java, her wistful(and damnably young) smile coos the dreaded, "Thanks for stopping at ####, Ma'am" I am a Ma'am. I don't recall the first time I got called that, its been so long ago.

I got to work, and was thinking about this...and realized that most everyone at the plant where I am managing a project is younger than me. The plant superintendent- the system administrators (except one, and he's only a few months older than I). When I talk to people in the Technology Department, its like the wise old lady is talking.

Then there are the people on staff at my agency with me. One guy is probably my daughters age, has been a network manager in private sector, lets call him Jim; another is same age range, but not much experience; our new project oversight analyst is a few years younger than I.

I was in a meeting with some staff, and Jim is telling us about what he has in mind, and keeps mentioning that he has to go to a meeting with the Chief Information Officer (CIO)- who cares? I have had meetings with a agency secretary, the State CIO, even worked for the Governor's office once, and bumped into the governor while doing something. Point is, his whole attitute is weird...I really get riled at the fact that I mention when asked that I had a master degree in Political Science, and he quipped something about that seemed real practical in our field. His masters is in computer something or another...Maybe its me..Maybe I am becoming too sensitive to my age. But I doubt it. I know Jim is pissed i have this giant office at work. I also know that he has no desire to tackle the project I am on, or the new ones I will get soon(one is now in procurement, waiting for a contract) because my customers are pretty nice, but technology not too savvy.

So this is the kind of weird stuff i think about somedays...and then while driving home, through the canyons of steel and concrete that pass for a city, I see the young women walking to catch a train or bus, and realize, i used to be like that...pretty, I mean.

Honest, I remember walking to the bus stop when i was about 22, before i graduated college, and the cold wind blowing...I was walking down the street to catch the bus, and the wind was blowing, so I had pulled up the fake fur collar of my coat. I remember I was wearing a wool pleated skirt that looked sort of like a kilt(so I probably was wearing a sweater, my ususal combo ever today), and had these awful platform shoes that at the time i thought were wonderful. So I clunking along, and I twisted my ankle on a piece of broken sidewalk, where a tree root had caused it to buckle, and so I was standing there thinking how it hurt, and I heard this whistling, and looked across the street, and there were these workmen on a roof, and one yells, "Hey Baby, you want me to come kiss you and make it better" I think I flipped him the finger, I know they all laughed at him.. or were they?

I remember going with friends to a bar or club and people buying me drinks, and wanting to dance, and wanting more...gawd, I can remember some of the lines, "Oh, you must be an Aries aren't you?" "Has anyone told you what beautiful blue eyes you have?"

Thats all memories now...it just doesn't seem fair..but at least my mom was right, everyone gets older. I just want to know why we have to look that way? Couldn't we just look 30 forever? Then i saw Joan Rivers on TV- never mind....